Ifrit Pilot Comparison

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Ifrit Pilot Comparison

By A Team

Description: Here’s a comparison for both versions of each of my 3 Acts. My ones from before and after making adjustments. What do you think? Which one do you like better? I am more than happy to read your comments and answer your questions.

  • C
    Christian---

    I think I can be great with more narration and not just dialogue… but it is the way you feel best telling the story.

  • A
    Annika---

    It is, I'm not really good with voiceovers since they take me a really long time to get my words organized even after I write them down and practice reading them out loud.

  • S
    Stefan---

    You put a lot of work into your project and you should be proud of yourself! The story was similar to the cartoons/adventure movies I watched when I was a kid. I think it would be a nice pilot episode to show the potential of a cartoon series. I like that you added the dream sequence to foreshadow the fight that will take place in the city. Personally, I would put a different kind of music under it, some sounds that give a sense of tension. What could make the story stronger is to introduce the prince earlier and show the audience who he is and why he is important in this story. Now he is more of a random prince, but if we know his name and importance, we as an audience would care more about his safety. I like that the villain is hiding in the shadows, but maybe you could also introduce him earlier. Maybe you could show him at the beginning from the shadows. And that he has captured those people and he orders the monsters to go to the city. That way you give much more suspense to your story from the beginning. But either way, you made a fun action-packed story! Well done!

  • A
    Annika---

    So you do like the redone version better? The music I added is supposed to convey the emotion that Act 1 expresses about what the character is feeling. Outer peace but inner chaos, it’s called Inner Glow, get it? Also I actually am planning to introduce the villain in the beginning of the scene when I finalized the first episode before you suggested it, the episode starting with the villain creating the monsters, but it doesn’t show the man and the woman who were turned into monsters because I kind of like to keep the audience in the dark about them until it's revealed that they are being possessed, however I do plan to make them return in another episode as recurring characters explaining their origin on what they remember when they were becoming monsters. So I’m pretty much introducing the primary characters the way the movies Aladdin and the Mario bros did, first the villain, next the hero and sidekick, then finally the prince. I don’t know how to introduce the prince, though. I’m kind of stuck between him being bored sitting on his throne or as a cloaked character who is walking around the city all by himself, but I’ll think of something. Also, the prince's name is Lloyd, in case you didn’t read the description for my Story Spine. There just wasn’t a right time in the pilot for him to be properly introduced; that’s why I just call him the prince throughout the Acts, but I do plan to introduce him when I actually start the series. Thank you for the comment!

  • S
    Stefan---

    What I like about the redone version is that you foreshadowed the fight in the dream sequence. Thats really nice! What I would recommend is that you can play with suspense rather than surprise in your story. Alfred Hitchock has the famous bomb under the table analogy to explain the difference between the two (you can google it). You have a lot of surprise in your story (the attack on the town, the possessed people, the prince, the villain reveal), I think if you foreshadow this, your audience will be more engaged because they experience suspense for what is to come :)

  • A
    Annika---

    Like I said I’m planning to add suspense, surprise, and primary character introductions, in the finalized first episode when I start the series. It’s not just a cartoon series it’s an anime series, anime shows usually have a balance of suspense and surprise in each of their episodes. I feel like if I crammed all of the foreshadowing into one episode then there wouldn’t be anything left for surprises. I already explained what I’m going to do for the actual first episode in the reply.