Rygon - La'akea Pai

Dragons in space is a terrifying thought! Being hit by a meteor will certainly help teach a lesson on self-control and kindness. It's a pretty classic premise: sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to grow and become a better human (dragon in this case). I found it a little hard to hear the narration sometimes, but I was able to follow the story. There is lots of room to add details here, and I look forward to seeing more!

I actually MUCH prefer your original Story Spine video with your own drawings than this version. I could follow the story so much better with your drawings, because they were WAY clearer in purpose. These generated images don't have enough consistency with what the world of Rygon looks like. Is it a cartoon? Is it hyper-realistic painterly? How many horns does Rygon have? How big is Rygon in comparison to the world he's in? What is Rygon FEELING in the picture, and does the expression and body language connect with the story? Why does Rygon just put two leaves on the tree when he's trying to bandage HIMSELF up? Why does Rygon build a treehouse that he OBVIOUSLY can't fit into? Etc., etc., etc. I'm writing all this to start because I want you to believe in your own ability to convey your ideas visually. Your drawings were so much more charming, had so much more consistency so I could feel like I was following the same character in the same world throughout, etc. This kind of tech is fun to mess around with, and maybe if you took bits and pieces of the generated art and made sure it all made sense from one picture to the next, you might come up with something interesting... ... but why do all that when we can all admire the art you already made? That's what I love the most, anyway. The elements of your story are super-exciting! I'm big into redeeming jerk characters, and I also love stories about isolation. So we've got a great recipe here. I also think a giant dragon is the right kind of character to tell this story with -- they automatically look so aggressive and sure of themselves, so to have a dragon learn how to be kind and empathetic is a fun challenge from a storytelling perspective. Act 2 especially needs work. Most of Act 2 is spent describing building a treehouse, getting food, then MAKING A BETTER TREEHOUSE? It feels like a laundry list of actions without enough motivation. You specifically use the word "upgrade", which REALLY takes me out of the urgency of Rygon surviving. Upgrading makes it sound like he's on, like, the Home Improvement network. I also feel like it's not really explained what makes this new planet so difficult for him. The way it's told, it never really elaborates on Rygon's STRUGGLE. He just has to do things, and he... does them! The narration never says what the problem is, and how he solves these new problems, which makes it hard for me to really feel like this is Rygon's time to grow. Back home, surely Rygon already had to find food and shelter. Is the planet full of things that are more aggressive and dangerous than his home planet? Is it difficult because he was hurt? You never really describe how that injury affects his ability to do things besides fly back home. Since Rygon is SO POWERFUL and SO PROUD, it's important that we buy that he's being humbled by the situation, and that it is genuinely difficult for him. And I think that means raising the stakes. Like, a lot. When your main character is a huge-jangous dragon, you gotta make sure what he's fighting against (the planet, and also his injury, in this case) is a genuine intimidating threat. Otherwise the audience is automatically going to feel like the dragon is still SO POWERFUL and SO PROUD. Because... look at him. If you need a good place to start for making the danger feel real, I think films like Kensuke's Kingdom, Cast Away, and The Red Turtle might give you some ideas. These are all about mere mortals, but you can still apply a lot of the stuff in these to Rygon. I want very badly to believe that Rygon is a changed dragon at the end of this. I just don't really know why he changes yet. He just gets a taste of his own medicine and doesn't like it? That's good in theory, but if it's about getting a taste of his own medicine, the best thing would be something like some bigger bully bullying him, you know? That's IMMEDIATE, that's RELEVANT to the situation. The PLANET bullying him, in the way the story is told, doesn't feel so relevant to the situation. But if Rygon changes because he's "alone" and doesn't like it... now, that's a whole other dealio. That's a little more like Stitch from Lilo & Stitch -- the "I'm lost" scene. I don't see Rygon realize that, like... he misses anybody. That he missed out on making friends while he was bullying people. That the bullying and being placed in a position of fear was simply filling a void in his life. I'm focused on what would really make it feel like this bully changed because, like, I care about bullies. Their bullying often comes from pain, or feeling socially isolated to begin with. As another source of inspiration, there's a book called Touching Spirit Bear that's about a bully turning a new leaf after being left on an island to fend for himself. Stories about an isolated character are some of my very favourite stories-- but you gotta know how to write it in a way that allows you to really get into the character's head organically and honestly. Give them stuff to do. Give them some way to share their thoughts with the audience. Then we can know why they're changing -- or even IF they're changing. Something that actually would make this story stronger, I think: This story ends with Rygon helping people. But that puts Rygon in a position of power again. He's been reinstated to power, and he's just being merciful this time. But Rygon was PROUD and POWERFUL. You know what would really show Rygon has changed? If he's doing something where he DOESN'T have power. If he needs to ask the people he hurt for help. If he needs to ask for forgiveness, knowing full well they might not ever trust him again. If he wants to make friends, and he realizes he doesn't know how to-- or even if he can. If your character is prideful, you want to see him in a place where he has to be humble-- and not just while he was alone. Honestly, I think the story would be even more interesting if Rygon's wing NEVER healed. To see a mighty dragon permanently handicapped-- what a great image, right? To have to deal with something for the rest of your life, and it humbles you whether you like it or not. Then maybe Act 2 can be also about him trying to launch a message out into space, hoping these people he bullied will care enough about him to save him, etc. Make him eat that humble pie-- and make it hard to swallow. : ) Congrats on your space-dragon-castaway story, that's a one-of-a-kind combo!